New pitch

Finding an artist for my UFO story that will be published by Ape - first online then in print - was a bit difficult. And then, on this one day I open my email and have samples from 3 artists that are all great. In the previous post, I showed off one of the layout pages from Jason Copland, the artist I am working with on the Ape project.

But the sample pages from one of the other artists told me he would be a perfect fit for another proposal I had been working on - not seriously, but when the muse alerted me. I approached him, and he was open to working on this with me. So, I put the pitch into overdrive. I'll talk more about that later, but here are a few preliminary sketches from Branko, who will be doing the pitch for a superheroine idea I had as a result of Shadowline's contest earlier this year.

Enjoy!
chris

ARTWORK!

Thanks to Elton Pruitt (he posted that Ape was looking for UFO submissions over on the Panel & Pixel boards), I managed to get a short story accepted for the aforementioned UFO anthology from Ape. Next, I needed to find an artist for the story. Easier said than done. I had someone local in mind when I started this journey, but the editor felt his style was too independent and not what Ape was looking for. Fair enough. So, I posted in a couple of places, but didn't get any promising results.

Then I tweaked my ad at Digital Webbing, bumped it up the line, and got three very promising artists responding. Once we got past some of the misunderstanding in my initial ad, my first choice, Jason Copland, was on board for the ride. Jason has done some layouts that completely GET IT, and I want to share one of these initial sketches here to show you how good this will be, IMHO.

First the script page:
Page 6

Panel 1: A darkened room on the UFO. A single light illuminates Jake – his naked body half covered with a sheet, his wrists and ankles strapped to a surgical table. He is struggling against his bonds. Nothing else of his surroundings is visible.

CAPTION In an instant, my life came into sharp focus.

Panel 2: Similar to panel 1. A few more lights are on, illuminating the heads of Jake’s captors (3 typical “grey” aliens unless you have a better image) at the edge of the darkness. Jake is still pulling against his bonds

CAPTION All the choices I’d made led to this moment.

Panel 3: The aliens move in closer on Jake. One has raised its hand, brandishing a type of drill, which is on and making a horrific sound.

SFX (on drill): VVVRRRRRRRR

CAPTION I had become my father.

Panel 4: On Jake (alien hands possibly coming in off panel). He is crying now, face contorted, unable to hold in his terror.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE No. Please!

Panel 5: Jake’s POV. The three aliens are in his face as Jake begs for release.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) Let me go.

ALIEN #1  (or something unintelligible)

JAKE (very small) no.

And the thumbnails from Jason:


Jason really nailed it. Getting across the tension and fear I was hoping for. I can't wait to see the finished art for this one. And if you like this, head on over to Jason's blog and check out some of his finished art for other projects on which he is working. Great stuff.

thanks,
chris

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part VII (final comments)

So,

I've stretched this bit out for a number of weeks now. (But consider the fact that I spent from mid-December 2008 until the middle of March working on perfecting this story so that it would be ready for print in the UFO anthology from Ape).

Anyway, last time I offered up my third take on "Life is Funny" having expanded it from a 6-page story to an 8-page story in the interim, in order to expand the characterization and motivation and make it more readable for the intended audience.

This was the feedback I received from the editor:

Hey Chris,

I think we’re a little closer. I have a suggestion for page 3, panel 4. I think you could probably expand the idea of Jake and Tammy’s problems just a little more to hit the point home. Maybe one panel showing Jake out having with the guys and then a separate follow up panel with Tammy at home with a screaming baby.

I like the additions you’ve made that show the reader a little more of Jake’s motivation, but I think you’ve overcompensated a little. It’s a fine line between subtlety and hitting the reader over the head with character motivation. I think you just need to scale back a little on the “I’m sorry” and telegraphing what’s going on in Jake’s head. I don’t mean to sound contradictory to what I’ve said in earlier emails, but I think you’ve gone from “not enough” to “too much”. You just need to tighten that up a little. Maybe a few less “Tammy!” panels. Also, on page 7, panel 2, you could probably delete the caption: “They brought me back.” -- as we can already see that in the panel.

I think I need a little more of why Jake comes to the change of heart. It’s not that I want you to hit the reader over the head with it, I just need really understand what brings it about. Jake mentions that he has a boy that needs him and later on says that he doesn’t want to be like his dad. But when Jake says, “I don’t want to be my Dad”—it isn’t set up earlier in the story, so the reader doesn’t know what Jake’s father is like other than he doesn’t want to end up like him. You need to set this up or get rid of it altogether. Something like:

“When I was kid, I swore to myself that when I grew up, I wouldn’t be anything like my father. He left us when I was 10. God I hated that man. And here I am following in his footsteps. God I hate myself. “

Or alternately, or perhaps in addition to the above (not sure if you need both), you can address Jake’s change of heart with something like:

“I don’t know how long they had kept me. It could have been a few hours or several days or months, as far as I could tell. During that time I could only think of one thing: home. What were Tammy and Tate doing? Did they miss me? Who was going to take care of them? God I missed them. How could I even think about leaving them? Asshole.

If you do something like what I proposed above, you could probably cut out a lot of the dialogue on page 8 as the reader already know that Jake has had a change of heart. He could come home quietly, kiss Tate gently on the head and wrap his arms around Tammy and whisper, “I’m sorry.” She can ask, “For what?” To which Jake answers, “For everything.” And then end it with, “It’s funny how things work out.”

The above suggestions are just that: suggestions. You don’t have to take them. This is your baby. Hopefully I haven’t confused you at this point. Let me know if you have any questions.

Again, some great, detailed feedback, and note that Troy - the editor - always makes sure to let me know that these are only suggestions. Ultimately, the decisions lay with me. I took most of what he wrote, incorporated it into a new rewrite of the script, and with those final tweaks had a story Ape wanted. I won't bore you with yet another rendition of my script, but will leave you to look over the feedback and please feel free to compare it with the scripts I have offered up already. Next time I'll have an announcement on the artist working on this with me - someone with whom I was already familiar, but did not expect to hear from in the venue I was searching - along with a layout or two for the story. It looks great, and we're only at the beginning stages.

thanks,
chris

ELEPHANT WORDS, second week

So,

A number of posts back - prior to the series "note from the editor" - I wrote about this cool place on the internet, Elephant Words, created and curated by Nicolas Papaconstantinou. The idea, to have six writers create short stories - in whatever form they choose - one a day from Monday to Saturday all inspired by the image uploaded that previous Sunday.

It's a cool idea, and I auditioned after seeing a post at Warren Ellis's now-defunct ENGINE. I didn't make the initial cut, but decided to continue offering my interpretations of the week's images in the open forum. That first week after auditions, Nick was wise to "replay" the offerings of those chosen to fill out the roster for the Elephant's initial six-week run. That meant the same image as the week before:




I decided to create a completely different story - where my audition had been a contemporary one set in Africa, this would be a futuristic tale in a fascistic, dystopian America (though the milieu may not be clearly defined). What I came up with is below:

A Journey Into Night
By Chris Beckett


Delilah walked down the street pulling her wire cart behind. It had been a good day. She’d discovered a decent amount of refuse she could put to use – a length of rope, some discarded sheet metal that was only beginning to rust, and a number of other pieces she might be able to sell at the market. But best of all, she had found an ancient figurine of Ganesh. It was a beautiful ivory with hardly a blemish on it.

She could remember her grandmother having just such an ornament, which had been passed down to her by her own grandmother. It had been lost in the upheaval that came years ago. Nobody in the lower classes had survived unscathed, and much history was lost in that time. Delilah could hardly accept her good fortune.

“Hey.” The tall man in his pressed uniform grabbed Delilah’s shoulder as he spoke to her.

“You do realize the sun is setting,” he said.

Delilah did not like the man’s tone and against her better judgement allowed her disdain to roll through her reply. “I do have eyes, and I can see that it is time for me to get home. I do not believe the bell has chimed, so if you will allow me, I would appreciate it if you did not delay me any further.”

“I could run you in for insubordination,” said the officer.

“Yes you could, but all I want to do is get home, and I would rather not cause you any inconvenience that my arresting paperwork would engender.”

She thought of leaving it there, but could see the officer’s arm was still tense on the butt of his pistol so she added, “And I apologize for being curt. I have had a long day and am quite fatigued.”

The officer leveled his gaze at a point between her eyes, and she felt as if he wasn’t even looking at her. There was a long pause before he dropped his hand from his firearm and straightened up to his full height.

“I’ll let you go this time. But I would advise against being a smartmouth, especially to an officer of the law. Next time, I’ll run you in.”

“Thank you,” said Delilah and walked off cursing under her breath.

Yes, it was a good thing to have found that figure of Ganesh.

•••


Two of Gotham’s thought police – Janyx and Aramid – dropped from their suspensor-chairs and raced for the corridor, scooping up their helmets from the table as they went. Aramid linked into the net and pulled up the warrant on the holoscreen inside his visor.

Tag #: 0421598764-pw

Name:__n/a_____________________________________________________________
Address (line #1): __n/a___________________________________________________
Address (line #2): __n/a__________________________________________________
City: __n/a_____________ ___State: __n/a_________ Zip: ___ n/a _______________
Phone #: __ n/a_________________ SSN#: __ n/a_____________________________
D.O.B. __ n/a________________ Gender: __ n/a______________________________

Criminal History:
n/a



WARRANT: JP-4278934-AA

Date: 22.06.57 Time: 23:07:17
Judge: Rt. Hon. Azim Akberali

Penal Code Offense Details
1138 Idolatry Unlawful worship of the deity Ganesh (Hindu; elephant-headed god; Ganesh is worshipped as the lord of beginnings and as the lord of obstacles; Ganesh is honored with affection at the start of any journey)
0812 Unauthorized expedition Subject is preparing to make an unspecified journey. Subject has no visa, has filled out no travel application, and has received no authorization for said excursion from the proper officials.

It didn’t make sense. “Jan, did you pull up the warrant?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no ID?”

“It’ll be there when we hit the door.”

“But-“

“It’ll be there! Now shut up and move.

“And make sure you go dark on the other side of the port, no vocalizing.” Aramid was unsure if it was anger or anxiety in his partner’s voice. Regardless, he shut up and kept moving.

Turning into the third room on the left, the two officers grabbed pistols from the wall and stepped over to the port-door, a bio-tech composite that was more a curtain of light than a proper door. Stepping into the waves of green light, the bio-energy read the two men’s DNA and darkness fell over them.

A moment later the two men were standing in the middle of a street on the other side of town. It was past curfew and the street was empty. They both started turning in circles, working to pinpoint the target. It was difficult. Something was interfering with their scans.

Aramid tapped the comm on the side of his helmet twice and brought the holoscreen back up. He started scrolling down through the thousands of red flags for the past twenty-four hours, filtering them for geography and threat level.

Two seconds later Aramid was left with only confusion. No flagged entries relating to this sector, no hint of illicit travel plans, nothing even tangential. How could somebody expect to exit the city without leaving a data trail?

Got it! Janyx’s thought was startling, interrupting Aramid’s reverie and snapping him back to reality. Two doors down. On the corner. Single female. Hurry up, I already pulled the security code.

Aramid fell in behind Janyx, his mind racing.

“Jan, don’t you think this a bit odd What are you talking about It’s just that she’s made no plans and Who cares How can she have time to make plans But don’t you think she would have to prepare for something like this Nobody makes a trip without getting things in order Will you stop whining and just do your job”

Their thoughts raced back and forth, twisting around one another, threatening to drown out either one’s arguments. As they ascended the front steps, Janyx – the senior of the two – cut off any more conversation, “Fall in and quit complaining or head back to the barn! Your choice, but make it quick.”

Aramid closed off his verbal center. To himself, he scolded his actions. More like a rookie than anything. He should have been running black the whole time.

Janyx punched in the keycode and palmed the identipad that slid up from the console. A silent hiss and the front door opened for the officers. Nudging it back with one hand Janyx led the way in, Aramid close on his heels.

All was dark except for a sliver of light leaking beneath a door at the end of the hall. Janyx turned and looked at Aramid who nodded assent. They both pulled their guns from their belts and stepped cautiously along the carpeted floor.

Reaching the end of the hallway the two men scanned for any hostile thoughts, but nothing registered. In fact, Aramid was surprised at how calm the thoughts emanating from the room actually were. It made little sense to him. He thought of mentioning it to Jan but reconsidered quickly.

Janyx palmed the door and allowed it to slide into the wall. The dim light washed over them as their lenses polarized automatically. The strong smell of incense assaulted their noses; a thread of smoke weaved its way toward the ceiling in front of the woman, whose back was to them. Before her was a small ivory bust of a weird elephant, which doubled as the incense burner. She looked up from where she was praying and met Aramid’s eyes in the long mirror covering the wall before her.

Aramid shuddered imperceptibly at her gaze.

Pursuant to Warrant number JP-4278934-AA, you will cease illegal worship this instant! Janyx’s thought spiked into the woman’s brain, slicing into her cerebral cortex with a severity that often left offenders with little resistance. But the woman flinched only once and then returned to her prayers.

Janyx raised his gun. He held it there for a second and then looked to his right, catching Aramid’s gaze. Aramid blinked once and then raised his own gun. The law was clear on this count. No worship of any deity other than the State would be tolerated.

Janyx warned her one more time. The thought-spike was so intense that it even made Aramid flinch a bit. The woman slumped over the short table in front of her, knocking the incense off its burner. But again, she recovered quickly and set about lighting another length of the incense.

Before she could get it properly lit, the two men fired their weapons, vaporizing her on the spot. And that was it.

The charred floor would be cleaned up later that day by drones and the house would no doubt be occupied come evening. There were enough applications for citizenship from those on the Fringe that it would be easy to fill the vacancy.

Janyx and Aramid turned on their heels and walked back outside where a transport was awaiting them.

•••

After finishing the paperwork, Janyx and Aramid returned to the common room to wind down.

“Jan?” Aramid’s thought was filled with emotion He couldn’t remain quiet any longer.

“I do not want to hear it! You have some doubts about tonight. Drop ‘em. Once you head down that road, there’s no turning back.”

“And if I have to be the one to stop you, I’ll do it.”

“But –”

“No. Leave it, or I’ll be the one reporting you.” Janyx turned back to the vid and immersed himself in the drama on the screen.

Aramid slumped into his chair and tried to do the same, but he couldn’t get it out of his head no matter how he tried. She’d looked right at him, right into his eyes.

And she smiled. Why had she smiled?


Any comments or criticisms would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to lambaste me, but let me know what didn't work for you. The only way I can get better is to see these stories through different eyes.

Thanks and take care,
chris

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part VI (third script)

So, Troy had set forth more good feedback for improving my short story, "Life is Funny" and I set to work pondering how to get the motivation of my main character across. It was all there in the story already, I just needed to spell it out more clearly for readers, something of which I am often - I worry - guilty. I tend toward being obtuse, wishing to allow the actions of the characters to showcase their motivations, but I tend to err in favor of subtlety, which can be another word for confusion. I'm still learning the ropes of writing, but this exercise has, and should hopefully, allowed me to improve in that area. I hope that in the future, I will be able to still be subtle without losing the thread and motivations of the storyline for readers. We'll see, but at least I will have these notes to fall back on in order to keep me honest.

Anyway, my second rewrite for "Life is Funny" follows this. Any comments are welcome and if you want to compare the changes made in this iteration with the first two passes at the script, they can be found here and here. Thanks.

Life is Funny
by Chris Beckett

The back-story for this UFO tale is a fairly typical small-town one. Boy and girl date all through high school, and soon after graduation get married and move in to their own trailer or apartment in a less than stellar housing complex. The boy gets a construction/mill job while the girl works register at the local IGA or Wal-Mart. Things are good for a time, but eventually real life – often in the form of a baby – rears its head, straining the marriage and leading to one of many bleak results.

Page 1

Panel 1: We begin at the end, with our protagonist (Jake) holding his three-year-old son up in his arms so the two are face to face. The boy is overjoyed as Jake returns his son’s love, smiling at his boy as only a father can. Jake is wearing a weathered Detroit Tigers hat, an indicator for readers during flashback scenes.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK, late 70s, early 80s. A similar Detroit Tigers ball cap – not as weathered – is on the head of an 8-year-old sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. In the background his parents are openly arguing.

CAPTION Prejudices inform our decisions, determining the paths of our lives.

Panel 3: A piece of framed string art (a noted 70s craft, I can get reference if needed) creates a portrait of Jake.

CAPTION Everything mapped out – point A to point B to point Z.

Panel 4: A jigsaw puzzle image – Jake and his wife Tammy wearing their caps and gowns from high school graduation maybe in the familiar form of “American Gothic” by Grant Wood.

CAPTION Like a meticulously planned jewel heist.

Panel 5: Jake fumbling a ground ball hit to him during a beer league softball game.

CAPTION Too bad life isn’t like that.


Page 2

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy toasting champagne at the head table during their wedding reception in the local American Legion hall. Everyone sitting at the table looks very young.

CAPTION Tammy and I got married out of high school.

Panel 2: The housing complex where Jake and Tammy live – a fairly mundane and depressing place with overflowing trash cans on many stoops and a general feel of disrepair throughout the place. They are sitting on their own tiny stoop in plastic lawn chairs, each one on a cellphone, intent on their conversations more than each other.

CAPTION We were in love.

Panel 3: In a bar where Jake is raising his mug of beer in a crowd of other early twenty-somethings. It is obvious Jake and those around him are having a hell of a good time except for Tammy, who sits beside him sipping at her soda looking lost and alone amid this crowd.

CAPTION That was what mattered.

Panel 4: At a barbecue where a number of their high school friends are also attending. Talking with one of his buddies, Jake has a beer in one hand while he rests the other on Tammy’s obviously pregnant stomach.

CAPTION But sometimes that’s not enough.


Page 3

Panel 1: In the hospital delivery room. A nurse is handing a bundled newborn to Jake. Jake is wearing the same Detroit cap we saw on page 1.

CAPTION Tate was so small.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK. Jake is at the dinner table wearing his Detroit cap. Only he and his Mom are sitting down to eat. An empty spot where his father should be is across from Jake, a full plate sitting there getting cold.

CAPTION I was excited about being a Dad.

Panel 3: FLASHBACK. Jake is watching an episode of the Cosby Show on the television as he munches on cereal.

CAPTION But it isn’t as easy as it looks on TV.

Panel 4: Back to the PRESENT. Jake and Tammy are in each other’s faces, screaming unintelligibly at one another. Taking all of this in is Tate, sitting on his mother’s hip. Jake is dressed in hunting garb, on his way out for a weekend at camp.

CAPTION Tammy used Tate like some anchor. Trying to pin me down while I was still young.


Page 4

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy are eating supper at their kitchen table, with Tate in his high chair between his parents.

CAPTION We discussed a separation.

CAPTION I’m moving out once I find a place I can afford.

Panel 2: Looking down on Tammy and Jake’s bed as they have sex. Jake is on top of Tammy, bedcovers above his waist. Tammy is looking off, grief-stricken, tears dampening the side of her face.

CAPTION But for now, I’m in the guest room.

Panel 3: Jake walking at night through the quiet streets of the town, his Detroit hat evident on his head. Trees line the sidewalks and only about half the streetlights are working, giving a hazy, melancholy look to the scene.

CAPTION Evenings I usually take a walk, just to get away.

Panel 4: Tammy sitting in their living room, head in her hand as she cries uncontrollably.

CAPTION It’s good for both of us.

Page 5

Panel 1: This panel takes up the TOP ½ OF THE PAGE. Jake (don’t forget the Tigers cap) has made his way to the end of a dead end road and is standing at the edge of a large field full of swaying grasses dotted with trees here and there. Maybe on the far end of this field we can see a house where the street picks up once more. In the upper left of the night sky hangs a ¾ full moon and in the air directly above Jake a huge UFO hovers.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 2: Same scene, but a white light directed at Jake is emanating from the UFO, putting him and the rest of the scene in an exaggerated chiaroscuro of light and shadow.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3: Inset to panel 2. A white panel in the lower right hand corner with just the barest outline of Jake’s eyes, nose, mouth, and hairline. It not only represents the intensity of the light but also intimates that he is being transported onto the ship.

NO DIALOGUE


Page 6

Panel 1: A darkened room on the UFO. A single light illuminates Jake – his naked body half covered with a sheet, his wrists and ankles strapped to a surgical table. He is struggling against his bonds. Nothing else of his surroundings is visible.

JAKE Hello? Hey! Who’s there!

Panel 2: Similar to panel 1. A few more lights are on, illuminating the heads of Jake’s captors (3 typical “grey” aliens unless you have a better image) at the edge of the darkness. Jake is still pulling against his bonds

JAKE No. Please!

Panel 3: The aliens move in closer on Jake. One has raised its hand, brandishing a type of drill, which is on and making a horrific sound.

SFX (on drill): VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE I’ve got a boy! Tate! He needs me!

Panel 4: On Jake (alien hands possibly coming in off panel). He is crying now, face contorted, unable to hold in his terror.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) I can’t leave him. Can’t leave Tammy.

Panel 5: From the side and slightly below the surgical table. The aliens are now right over Jake, who has given up struggling, the drill at his temple.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) I need them.

Panel 6: Jake’s POV. The three aliens are in his face as Jake begs for release.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) Please. Let me go.

ALIEN #1  (or something unintelligible)

JAKE (very small) No.


Page 7

Panel 1: Jake is lying in a heap – fully clothed once more and rubbing at his temple – at the end of the dead end road where he just encountered the UFO, which is nowhere to be seen. The gibbous moon has traveled across the sky and is now partially hidden by the horizon on the right of the panel.

JAKE Ooohhhhhh.

Panel 2: Looking down on Jake, his eyes wide with realization of where he now is.

JAKE They brought me back.

JAKE (small) Tammy.

Panel 3: Jake is jogging/running down the street heading for home.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 4: From behind Jake as he opens the door to his place in the housing complex.

JAKE Tammy!

Panel 5: POV from the top of the staircase inside. Jake is bounding up, two steps at a time, pulling hard on the railing to go faster.

JAKE Tammy!

JAKE I’m sorry!


Page 8

Panel 1: Tammy is sitting up in their bed, fear on her face as Jake sits at the end of the bed, unable to hold his emotions in. Jake is holding one of Tammy’s hands in both of his as he speaks.

JAKE I’m sorry. I haven’t been there for you. Not for you or Tate.

JAKE I understand that now.

Panel 2: Tammy and Jake are now hugging tightly.

JAKE I don’t want to be my Dad. I want to take care of you guys.

JAKE I want to be a family.

Panel 3: The couple lean back to look at one another, their hands still resting on one another’s hips.

JAKE If you’ll let me stay.

TAMMY That’s all I ever wanted.

Panel 4: The two hug again, tears streaking the cheeks of both of them. Baby Tate is also making his presence known, having been awoken by his father’s yelling, his screech coming through the open door.

JAKE Thank you. Thank you.

TATE (from door) WAAAHHH

JAKE Tate.

Panel 5: Jake is entering the nursery, Tammy close behind. In the crib stands Tate, his arms reaching for his father.

JAKE Hey, buddy. Don’t cry. Daddy’s here.

JAKE Daddy’s got ya.

Panel 6: SAME AS PAGE 1 PANEL 1. Jake holding Tate up so they are face to face, ecstasy and unconditional love apparent on each of their features.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out.

THE END

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part V (more feedback)

I did my best to be patient awaiting the feedback for my second crack at the UFO script for Ape, which I titled "Life is Funny." For a person like me, who hates lines, it was difficult and I did something I'd read was a "no-no" and followed up with the editor. Thankfully, he was gracious and explained that things were hectic with work as well as home (he was a new father) but that he would be in touch when he had time to read it and put down his thoughts. Fair enough.

And then, my inbox had this:

Hi Chris,

Sorry, man. I’ve been crazy busy with work and the new addition to the family. Here are a few more thoughts.

I think this is a little better, but I’m still not getting the reason why the character is changing his mind. When the character says: “Like what’s important in life” Why does he reach this conclusion? Why does the UFO bring this out of him?

Is he thinking at that moment that he was going to be whisked away and never see his family again? To his own surprise, did the thought of being separated from his family scare the shit out of him? What about being separated bothered him?

Also, the story starts with the narrator saying how good things were. But then things “took a turn.” That sounds like some bad stuff happened, but it looks like the bad stuff is just Jake not getting to hang out with his friends as much because of his new responsibilities. I’m not really getting a good reason why they are going through a separation. Is there more behind their conflict than “We didn’t see our friends as much, but I still had my annual hunting trip with the guys. Tammy didn’t understand.” Am I missing something?

Jake sounds like a self-centered prick. That’s okay if he is, but then I need a good tangible reason why he decides to stay—like the self-realization that he’s a selfish prick. And that he was only thinking about himself all this time and when he thought about how his disappearance would affect his son and wife, it fucked with his head and at that moment, he wanted nothing else but to hold them in his arms…or some shit like that.

If your intention is that he’s really a good guy, then the story needs a better reason for the separation.

As the story stands, I’m not getting a strong sense of motivation from the main character. I think if you flesh-out and demonstrate his motivation a bit more, your story will be a lot stronger.

There’s my two cents. Feel free to tell me I’m full of shit.

--Troy

Again, some really good feedback. Not that I haven't received some good notes from those I know with whom I share my drafts, but this was a more critical evaluation not colored by friendship and such. And I agreed, all his points made sense to me. It was exciting - for me - if also daunting, to finally getting that editorial interaction I feel I need to "take me over the top" so to speak. Anyway. Back to the drawing board to patch this story together, hoping I would not screw it up somehow. A challenge that I looked forward to, and a challenge that would prove to me whether I was up to this writing thing or not.

More soon.

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part IV (revised script)

So,

The editor at Ape liked my story, but it needed some work. It seemed a matter of "leaving it in the typwriter," a term I believe I read in one of David Mamet's works on writing wherein the motivation or other pertinent information - information the writer has in his/her head - does not get onto the page in a way that the reader can understand the story fully. I didn't want to blow this, so I immediately started going over how to fix things in my head.

After closing the email, I spent the rest of the day thinking over how to fix the script. I jotted down some notes and at work the next day I more fully developed these notes, creating new dialogue for some expanded and new scenes. That night, I came home and typed up the additions/changes and this is what I came up with:

Life is Funny
by Chris Beckett

The back-story for this UFO tale is a fairly typical small-town one. Boy and girl date all through high school, and soon after graduation get married and move in to their own trailer or apartment in a less than stellar housing complex. The boy gets a construction/mill job while the girl works register at the local IGA or Wal-Mart. Things are good for a time, but eventually real life – often in the form of a baby – rears its head, straining the marriage and leading to one of many bleak results.

Page 1

Panel 1: We begin at the end, with our protagonist (Jake) holding his three-year-old son up in his arms so the two are face to face. The boy is overjoyed as Jake returns his son’s love, smiling at his boy in the manner only a father can. Jake is wearing a weathered Detroit Tigers hat, an indicator for readers during flashback scenes.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out sometime.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK, late 70s, early 80s. A similar Detroit Tigers ball cap – not as weathered – is on the head of an 8-year-old sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. In the background his parents are openly arguing.

CAPTION Prejudices inform our decisions, determining the paths of our lives.

Panel 3: A piece of framed string art (a noted 70s craft, I can get reference if needed) creates a portrait of Jake.

CAPTION Everything mapped out – point A to point B to point Z.

Panel 4: A jigsaw puzzle image – Jake and his wife Tammy wearing their caps and gowns from high school graduation maybe in the familiar form of “American Gothic” by Grant Wood.

CAPTION Like a meticulously planned jewel heist.

Panel 5: Jake fumbling a ground ball hit to him during a beer league softball game.

CAPTION Too bad life isn’t really like that.


Page 2

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy toasting champagne at the head table during their wedding reception in the local American Legion hall. Everyone sitting at the table looks very young.

CAPTION Tammy and I got married just out of high school.

Panel 2: The housing complex where Jake and Tammy live – a fairly mundane and depressing place with overflowing trash cans on many stoops and a general feel of disrepair throughout the place. They are sitting on their own tiny stoop in plastic lawn chairs, each one on a cellphone, intent on their conversations more than each other.

CAPTION We were in love. That was all that mattered.

Panel 3: In a bar where Jake is raising his mug of beer in a crowd of other early twenty-somethings, obviously he and those around him are having a hell of a good time except for Tammy, who sits beside him sipping at her soda looking lost and alone amid this crowd.

CAPTION Those first couple years were good.

Panel 4: At a barbecue where a number of their high school friends are also attending. Talking with one of his buddies, Jake has a beer in one hand while he rests the other on Tammy’s obviously pregnant stomach.

CAPTION But it wasn’t long before things took a turn.


Page 3

Panel 1: In the hospital delivery room. A nurse is handing a bundled newborn to Jake. Jake is wearing the same Detroit cap we saw on page 1.

CAPTION Tate was so small.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK. Jake is at the dinner table wearing his Detroit cap. Only he and his Mom are sitting down to eat. An empty spot where his father should be is across from Jake, a full plate sitting there getting cold.

CAPTION I was excited about being a Dad. Determined not to be like my father.

Panel 3: FLASHBACK. Jake is watching an episode of the Cosby Show on the television as he munches on cereal.

CAPTION But it isn’t as easy as it looks on TV.

Panel 4: Back to the PRESENT. Jake and Tammy are in each other’s faces, screaming unintelligibly at one another. Taking all of this in is Tate, who is sitting on his mother’s hip. Jake is dressed in hunting garb, on his way out for a weekend at camp.

CAPTION We didn’t see our friends as much, but I still had my annual hunting trip with the guys.
Tammy didn’t understand.


Page 4

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy are eating supper at their kitchen table, with Tate in his high chair between his parents.

CAPTION We discussed a separation, and I plan on moving out once I find a place I can afford.

Panel 2: Looking down on Tammy and Jake’s bed as they have sex. Jake is on top of Tammy, bedcovers above his waist. Tammy is looking off, grief-stricken, tears dampening the side of her face.

CAPTION For now, I’m in the guest room.

Panel 3: Jake walking at night through the quiet streets of the town. Trees line the sidewalks and only about half the streetlights are working, giving a hazy, melancholy look to the scene.

CAPTION Evenings I usually go for a walk, just to get away. Give Tammy a chance to think things over.

Panel 4: Tammy sitting in their living room, head in her hand as she cries uncontrollably.

CAPTION It’s good for both of us.

Page 5

Panel 1: This panel takes up the TOP ½ OF THE PAGE. Jake has made his way to the end of a dead end road and is standing at the edge of a large field full of swaying grasses dotted with trees here and there. Maybe on the far end of this field we can see a house where the street picks up once more. In the upper left of the night sky hangs a ¾ full moon and in the air directly above Jake a huge UFO hovers, bathing the scene in hot light.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 2: Same scene, but a white light is emanating from the UFO directed at Jake, putting him and the rest of the scene in an exaggerated chiaroscuro of light and shadow.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3: Inset to panel 2. A white panel in the lower right hand corner of the panel with just the barest outline of Jake’s eyes, nose, mouth, and hairline. It not only represents the intensity of the light but also intimates that he is being transported onto the ship.

NO DIALOGUE


Page 6

Panel 1: A darkened room on the UFO. A single light illuminates Jake – naked and strapped by his wrists and ankles to a surgical table. He is struggling against his bonds. Nothing else of his surroundings is visible.

JAKE Hello? Hey! Who’s there!

Panel 2: Similar scene. A few more lights are on, illuminating the heads of Jake’s captors (a typical “grey” alien unless you have a better image) at the edge of the darkness. Jake is still pulling against his bonds

JAKE Aw, hell.

JAKE Please! I’m sorry!

Panel 3: The aliens move in closer on Jake. One has raised its hand, brandishing a type of drill, which is on and making a horrific sound.

SFX (on drill): VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE No! I’ve got a kid! I can’t go!

Panel 4: On Jake (alien hands possibly coming in off panel). He is crying now, face contorted, unable to hold in his terror.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) I can’t leave him. Can’t leave his motherNAME.

Panel 5: From the side and slightly below the level of the surgical table. The aliens are now right over Jake, who has given up struggling, with the drill right at his temple.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

Panel 6: Jake’s POV. The three aliens are up close and personal with Jake as he begs for mercy.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) Please. Have some mercy.

ALIEN #1 

JAKE No.


Page 7

Panel 1: Jake is lying in a heap, rubbing at his temple, at the end of the dead end road where he just encountered the UFO, which is nowhere to be seen. The gibbous moon has traveled across the sky and is now partially hidden by the horizon on the right of the panel.

JAKE Oooohhhh.

Panel 2: Jake is jogging/running down the street heading for home.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3: From behind Jake as he opens the door to his place in the housing complex.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 4: Jake is sitting on his bed, Tammy is sleeping. No lights are on, and Jake rests his hand on Tammy’s shoulder to awaken her.

JAKE (small) Hey.

Panel 5: Same scene as previous, but Tammy has awoken and she and Jake are now hugging intensely.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 6: SAME AS PAGE 1 PANEL 1. Jake holding Tate up so they are face to face, ecstasy and unconditional love apparent on each of their features.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out sometime.


THE END

For comparison's sake the original script can be seen at this post.

And once more, the waiting began.

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part III

2009 - The Push for Prose. That was my intention. But I finished out 2008 by sending a script (our previous post) off to Ape Entertainment's open call for UFO stories. Not expecting much, I began to forge ahead on a new project I thought was timely, if only just so (more on that another time). But soon into the new year, I got a couple of emails that changed things a bit for me.

First, on January 6, this arrived from Joe Pruett (yeah, the guy that puts together Negative Burn and other great books like 13 Steps, The Art of Brian Bolland, P. Craig Russell, and others, and the latest iteration of James A. Owen's Starchild):

Hey, Chris. I'm putting together the next Negative Burn trade right now and would like to look this story over. I can't remember if I have or not. Can you send me a low res PDF to look at?

Joe

This was in response to a follow-up email I had sent six months prior. I am still waiting to hear if anything will come of this, but if nothing else, at least the synopsis I sent to Mr. Pruett piqued his interest, and the thought of being considered for Negative Burn - of which I am a huge fan - is exciting.

Then, the following morning, I received this in my inbox from Troy Dye, submissions editor at Ape Entertainment:

Hey Christopher,

I’ve read your story. I really like the dialogue and tone of the story. I am a little unsure as to why seeing a UFO makes the character do a 180. He wasn’t even sure what he saw or if he saw anything at all. And it didn’t seem like the UFO did anything to him. So I’m not sure I’m sold on the character’s change of heart. I think if you tweak that one part of the story a little bit by having something happen to the character to justify his change of heart, I think you’ll have a nice little story here that we would be interested in.

--Troy

And just like that, I was back to work on the comic script, which was great. This was the first time I had received any type of editorial feedback (in a professional sense) and it made sense to me. I try to be subtle when I am writing, and I worry that - as in this case - I sometimes stray into the obtuse.

Anyway. I got to work and sent off a rewrite the following evening.

More on that next time.

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part II (1st script)

So as not to fatigue your eyes too much staring at the computer screen, I've been trying to break this up into bite-size morsels. This post, I'm including the script I sent off to the Ape editor at the end of 2008 for their UFO anthology. I was happy with, but did not expect to hear anything (figuring it was late in the game and they probably had filled up the spots at this point), and so I was pushing forward with my prose. But here, for your enjoyment, is my initial UFO script:

Life is Funny
by Chris Beckett

The back-story for this UFO tale is a fairly typical small-town one. Boy and girl date all through high school, and soon after graduation get married and move in to their own trailer or apartment in a less than stellar housing complex. The boy gets a construction/mill job while the girl works register at the local IGA or Wal-Mart. Things are good for a time, but eventually real life – often in the form of a baby – rears its head, straining the marriage and leading to one of many bleak results.

Page 1

Panel 1: We begin at the end, with our protagonist (Jake) holding his three-year-old son up in his arms so the two are face to face. The boy is overjoyed as Jake returns his son’s love, smiling at his boy in the manner only a father can. Jake is wearing a weathered Detroit Tigers hat, an indicator for readers during flashback scenes.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out sometime.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK, late 70s, early 80s. A similar Detroit Tigers ball cap – not as weathered – is on the head of an 8-year-old sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. In the background his parents are openly arguing.

CAPTION Prejudices inform our decisions, determining the paths of our lives.

Panel 3: A piece of framed string art (a noted 70s craft, I can get reference if needed) creates a portrait of Jake.

CAPTION Everything mapped out – point A to point B to point Z.

Panel 4: A jigsaw puzzle image – Jake and his wife Tammy wearing their caps and gowns from high school graduation maybe in the familiar form of “American Gothic” by Grant Wood.

CAPTION Like a meticulously planned jewel heist.

Panel 5: Jake fumbling a ground ball hit to him during a beer league softball game.

CAPTION Too bad life isn’t really like that.


Page 2

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy toasting champagne at the head table during their wedding reception in the local American Legion hall. Everyone sitting at the table looks very young.

CAPTION Tammy and I got married just out of high school.

Panel 2: The housing complex where Jake and Tammy live – a fairly mundane and depressing place with overflowing trash cans on many stoops and a general feel of disrepair throughout the place. They are sitting on their own tiny stoop in plastic lawn chairs, each one on a cellphone, intent on their conversations more than each other.

CAPTION We were in love. That was all that mattered.

Panel 3: At a local park where Jake is pushing Tammy on one of the swings, surrounded by parents doing the same with their young children.

CAPTION Those first couple years were good.

Panel 4: At a barbecue where a number of their high school friends are also attending. Talking with one of his buddies, Jake has a beer in one hand while he rests the other on Tammy’s obviously pregnant stomach.

CAPTION But it wasn’t long before things took a turn.


Page 3

Panel 1: In the hospital delivery room. A nurse is handing a bundled newborn to Jake. Jake is wearing the same Detroit cap we saw on page 1.

CAPTION Tate was so small.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK. Jake is at the dinner table wearing his Detroit cap. Only he and his Mom are sitting down to eat. An empty spot where his father should be is across from Jake, a full plate sitting there getting cold.

CAPTION I was excited about being a Dad. Determined not to be like my father.

Panel 3: FLASHBACK. Jake is watching an episode of the Cosby Show on the television as he munches on cereal.

CAPTION But it isn’t as easy as it looks on TV.

Panel 4: Back to the PRESENT. Jake and Tammy are in each other’s faces, screaming unintelligibly at one another. Taking all of this in is Tate, who is sitting on his mother’s hip. Jake is dressed in hunting garb, on his way out for a weekend at camp.

CAPTION We didn’t see our friends as much, but I still had my annual hunting trip with the guys.
Tammy didn’t understand.


Page 4

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy are eating supper at their kitchen table, with Tate in his high chair between his parents.

CAPTION We discussed a separation, and I plan on moving out once I find a place I can afford.

Panel 2: Looking down on Tammy and Jake’s bed as they have sex. Jake is on top of Tammy, bedcovers above his waist. Tammy is looking off, grief-stricken, tears dampening the side of her face.

CAPTION For now, I’m in the guest room.

Panel 3: Jake walking at night through the quiet streets of the town. Trees line the sidewalks and only about half the streetlights are working, giving a hazy, melancholy look to the scene.

CAPTION Evenings I usually go for a walk, just to get away. Give Tammy a chance to think things over.

Panel 4: Tammy sitting in their living room, head in her hand as she cries uncontrollably.

CAPTION It’s good for both of us.


Page 5

Panel 1: This panel takes up the TOP ½ OF THE PAGE. Jake has made his way to the end of a dead end road and is standing at the edge of a large field full of swaying grasses dotted with trees here and there. Maybe on the far end of this field we can see a house where the street picks up once more. In the upper left of the night sky hangs a ¾ full moon and in the air directly above Jake a huge UFO hovers, bathing the scene in hot light.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 2: From behind Jake. His arm is up, shading his eyes from two luminous aliens (almost angelic like) hovering just above the ground in front of him.

CAPTION They spoke to me.

CAPTION Inside my head.

Panel 3: Jake’s eyes, nose and mouth are visible in the middle of A WHITE PANEL, as if he’s being absorbed by the aliens’ radiance.

CAPTION I couldn’t understand what they said, but it left me with a palpable sense of despair.


CAPTION When I woke, I had no idea how long I’d been out.


Page 6

Panel 1: Jake is lying in a heap, rubbing at his temple, at the end of the dead end road where he just encountered the UFO, which is nowhere to be seen. The gibbous moon has traveled across the sky and is now partially hidden by the horizon on the right of the panel.

JAKE Oooohhhh.

Panel 2: Jake is jogging/running down the street heading for home.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3: From behind Jake as he opens the door to his place in the housing complex.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 4: Jake is sitting on his bed, Tammy is sleeping. No lights are on, and Jake rests his hand on Tammy’s shoulder to awaken her.

JAKE (small) Hey.

Panel 5: Same scene as previous, but Tammy has awoken and she and Jake are now hugging intensely.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 6: SAME AS PAGE 1 PANEL 1. Jake holding Tate up so they are face to face, ecstasy and unconditional love apparent on each of their features.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out sometime.


THE END

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part I

As I stated in the previous post in this series, I had designated 2009 as the year for my "push for prose," which it still is, though I am doing more comic writing than anticipated. Of course, that's fine by me. As long as I'm writing, I'm happy.

But come the end of last year, I was feeling pretty glum - I think mainly due to the season (dead of winter with as little daylight as we get) and the fact that I was fatigued from the holiday season (despite it being slower than any in recent history, I was still working hard at the day job while trying to prepare for Santa's arrival).

Anyway. The thought of having to find artists willing to work on a short story or two for publication in our anthology, which - as is the case for anyone trying to break into the industry with self-publishing - costs us money rather than making us money, was a prospect I did not look forward to. So, I thought 2009 would be a good year to focus on prose, sit and write every day, polish up some older stories, and send those off to see if any publication would bite.

But, the open call at Ape had me intrigued, and I figured "what the hell." I might as well give it a shot. The first two tries were crap, but near the middle of December (less than two weeks from the deadline), I came up with something I thought would work. I worked it up, typed it up, and sent it off to the editor and figured that was it.

And 2008 turned to 2009.

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, a prologue

So. I find myself always writing but in between, so to speak, with regards to prose and comics. Which means, often, I find myself making headway in neither medium and almost running in place. (although I am finally moving forward with some prose stuff that I hope to send off later this year, but I digress)

But this post, and subsequent ones in this short "series" will be dealing with comics writing and such. Ironic, since I decided at the end of last year 2009 would encompass my "push for prose."

Anyway. I had dropped by the Panel & Pixel forums run by Rantz Hoseley - set up after Warren Ellis was finished with the Engine - and discovered a recent thread dealing with comic anthologies, what ones were out there and submissions guidelines for same. One reply from Elton Pruitt, mentioned that Ape Entertainment was running an open call for submission to an upcoming UFO anthology. the entire submission blurb went like this:

Ape Entertainment is announcing an open call for short comic book stories for its latest endeavor: UFO. This will initially be published as a Web comic, with a print component to follow at a later date. Below are the details for the first stage of the submission process.

Content: Yes, you guessed it; a UFO must play a role in your story! No UFO, no dice. We’re open to all genres. All stories must be self-contained. No unresolved cliffhangers or snippets of a larger story arc. Your story should have a beginning, middle and end.

Format: Please send us a completed script of your story. It can be written in prose, comic book format, or whatever style you feel comfortable with, as long as it’s easy to read. If your story has already been illustrated, that's great, but if it has been previously published (online, print, or otherwise), please let us know. If you're unsure how your comic book script should be formatted, visit: http://www.scrypticstudios.com

Page Length: We prefer stories that are no longer than 15 pages. We’re not saying that your story should be exactly 15 pages long—only that you should try to avoid writing stories that are longer than 15 pages. If you have a lot less than 15, no problem.

Copyrights: Your story must be 100% original. This means that you are the copyright holder to your story. You will retain the copyright to your story, as you are only giving Ape the rights to publish your story (online and print).

Deadline: We’ll be taking submissions until December 31, 2008. Although the deadline is at the end of the year, you should submit your story sooner rather than later. Why? We will be giving the "green light" to stories as they come in. This will allow us to finish the project sooner. In addition, with projects like this, we tend to see a lot of the same themes, characters, and stories. If we've already approved a story that's similar to yours, then chances are it won't be accepted. If you're worried that your story resembles one that has already been accepted, you can email us a pitch first (a few sentences or paragraphs describing your story).

Submitting your script does not guarantee it will be accepted. Sorry, but only the best stories will make it. Scripts that receive approval will then move on to the art production stage (deadline undetermined). If the completed art is not of professional quality, you’re story may be rejected at this stage, so chose your artist(s) wisely.

Writers are expected to find their own artist(s) for their story and vice versa. Feel free to go here to find a creator to collaborate with or visit such sites as Digital Webbing, deviantART, or Penciljack.

Please send your submissions to submissions@ape-entertainment.com . Please use “UFO Submission” as the subject of your email. If you have any questions, you can post them here.

This was early December - around the 7th - so I needed to come up with something quick. My first two ideas - one of which I sent in - were old rehashings of UFO stories everyone's read before. The editor got back to me within a week on that initial submission and said thanks, but no thanks. I was trying to be cute, do "my own" take on something that had been done a hundred times. I knew better, but wanted to get something in so that I wouldn't have missed my oppotunity.

Luckily, the story doesn't end here.

to be continued . . .