NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part VII (final comments)

So,

I've stretched this bit out for a number of weeks now. (But consider the fact that I spent from mid-December 2008 until the middle of March working on perfecting this story so that it would be ready for print in the UFO anthology from Ape).

Anyway, last time I offered up my third take on "Life is Funny" having expanded it from a 6-page story to an 8-page story in the interim, in order to expand the characterization and motivation and make it more readable for the intended audience.

This was the feedback I received from the editor:

Hey Chris,

I think we’re a little closer. I have a suggestion for page 3, panel 4. I think you could probably expand the idea of Jake and Tammy’s problems just a little more to hit the point home. Maybe one panel showing Jake out having with the guys and then a separate follow up panel with Tammy at home with a screaming baby.

I like the additions you’ve made that show the reader a little more of Jake’s motivation, but I think you’ve overcompensated a little. It’s a fine line between subtlety and hitting the reader over the head with character motivation. I think you just need to scale back a little on the “I’m sorry” and telegraphing what’s going on in Jake’s head. I don’t mean to sound contradictory to what I’ve said in earlier emails, but I think you’ve gone from “not enough” to “too much”. You just need to tighten that up a little. Maybe a few less “Tammy!” panels. Also, on page 7, panel 2, you could probably delete the caption: “They brought me back.” -- as we can already see that in the panel.

I think I need a little more of why Jake comes to the change of heart. It’s not that I want you to hit the reader over the head with it, I just need really understand what brings it about. Jake mentions that he has a boy that needs him and later on says that he doesn’t want to be like his dad. But when Jake says, “I don’t want to be my Dad”—it isn’t set up earlier in the story, so the reader doesn’t know what Jake’s father is like other than he doesn’t want to end up like him. You need to set this up or get rid of it altogether. Something like:

“When I was kid, I swore to myself that when I grew up, I wouldn’t be anything like my father. He left us when I was 10. God I hated that man. And here I am following in his footsteps. God I hate myself. “

Or alternately, or perhaps in addition to the above (not sure if you need both), you can address Jake’s change of heart with something like:

“I don’t know how long they had kept me. It could have been a few hours or several days or months, as far as I could tell. During that time I could only think of one thing: home. What were Tammy and Tate doing? Did they miss me? Who was going to take care of them? God I missed them. How could I even think about leaving them? Asshole.

If you do something like what I proposed above, you could probably cut out a lot of the dialogue on page 8 as the reader already know that Jake has had a change of heart. He could come home quietly, kiss Tate gently on the head and wrap his arms around Tammy and whisper, “I’m sorry.” She can ask, “For what?” To which Jake answers, “For everything.” And then end it with, “It’s funny how things work out.”

The above suggestions are just that: suggestions. You don’t have to take them. This is your baby. Hopefully I haven’t confused you at this point. Let me know if you have any questions.

Again, some great, detailed feedback, and note that Troy - the editor - always makes sure to let me know that these are only suggestions. Ultimately, the decisions lay with me. I took most of what he wrote, incorporated it into a new rewrite of the script, and with those final tweaks had a story Ape wanted. I won't bore you with yet another rendition of my script, but will leave you to look over the feedback and please feel free to compare it with the scripts I have offered up already. Next time I'll have an announcement on the artist working on this with me - someone with whom I was already familiar, but did not expect to hear from in the venue I was searching - along with a layout or two for the story. It looks great, and we're only at the beginning stages.

thanks,
chris

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part VI (third script)

So, Troy had set forth more good feedback for improving my short story, "Life is Funny" and I set to work pondering how to get the motivation of my main character across. It was all there in the story already, I just needed to spell it out more clearly for readers, something of which I am often - I worry - guilty. I tend toward being obtuse, wishing to allow the actions of the characters to showcase their motivations, but I tend to err in favor of subtlety, which can be another word for confusion. I'm still learning the ropes of writing, but this exercise has, and should hopefully, allowed me to improve in that area. I hope that in the future, I will be able to still be subtle without losing the thread and motivations of the storyline for readers. We'll see, but at least I will have these notes to fall back on in order to keep me honest.

Anyway, my second rewrite for "Life is Funny" follows this. Any comments are welcome and if you want to compare the changes made in this iteration with the first two passes at the script, they can be found here and here. Thanks.

Life is Funny
by Chris Beckett

The back-story for this UFO tale is a fairly typical small-town one. Boy and girl date all through high school, and soon after graduation get married and move in to their own trailer or apartment in a less than stellar housing complex. The boy gets a construction/mill job while the girl works register at the local IGA or Wal-Mart. Things are good for a time, but eventually real life – often in the form of a baby – rears its head, straining the marriage and leading to one of many bleak results.

Page 1

Panel 1: We begin at the end, with our protagonist (Jake) holding his three-year-old son up in his arms so the two are face to face. The boy is overjoyed as Jake returns his son’s love, smiling at his boy as only a father can. Jake is wearing a weathered Detroit Tigers hat, an indicator for readers during flashback scenes.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK, late 70s, early 80s. A similar Detroit Tigers ball cap – not as weathered – is on the head of an 8-year-old sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. In the background his parents are openly arguing.

CAPTION Prejudices inform our decisions, determining the paths of our lives.

Panel 3: A piece of framed string art (a noted 70s craft, I can get reference if needed) creates a portrait of Jake.

CAPTION Everything mapped out – point A to point B to point Z.

Panel 4: A jigsaw puzzle image – Jake and his wife Tammy wearing their caps and gowns from high school graduation maybe in the familiar form of “American Gothic” by Grant Wood.

CAPTION Like a meticulously planned jewel heist.

Panel 5: Jake fumbling a ground ball hit to him during a beer league softball game.

CAPTION Too bad life isn’t like that.


Page 2

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy toasting champagne at the head table during their wedding reception in the local American Legion hall. Everyone sitting at the table looks very young.

CAPTION Tammy and I got married out of high school.

Panel 2: The housing complex where Jake and Tammy live – a fairly mundane and depressing place with overflowing trash cans on many stoops and a general feel of disrepair throughout the place. They are sitting on their own tiny stoop in plastic lawn chairs, each one on a cellphone, intent on their conversations more than each other.

CAPTION We were in love.

Panel 3: In a bar where Jake is raising his mug of beer in a crowd of other early twenty-somethings. It is obvious Jake and those around him are having a hell of a good time except for Tammy, who sits beside him sipping at her soda looking lost and alone amid this crowd.

CAPTION That was what mattered.

Panel 4: At a barbecue where a number of their high school friends are also attending. Talking with one of his buddies, Jake has a beer in one hand while he rests the other on Tammy’s obviously pregnant stomach.

CAPTION But sometimes that’s not enough.


Page 3

Panel 1: In the hospital delivery room. A nurse is handing a bundled newborn to Jake. Jake is wearing the same Detroit cap we saw on page 1.

CAPTION Tate was so small.

Panel 2: FLASHBACK. Jake is at the dinner table wearing his Detroit cap. Only he and his Mom are sitting down to eat. An empty spot where his father should be is across from Jake, a full plate sitting there getting cold.

CAPTION I was excited about being a Dad.

Panel 3: FLASHBACK. Jake is watching an episode of the Cosby Show on the television as he munches on cereal.

CAPTION But it isn’t as easy as it looks on TV.

Panel 4: Back to the PRESENT. Jake and Tammy are in each other’s faces, screaming unintelligibly at one another. Taking all of this in is Tate, sitting on his mother’s hip. Jake is dressed in hunting garb, on his way out for a weekend at camp.

CAPTION Tammy used Tate like some anchor. Trying to pin me down while I was still young.


Page 4

Panel 1: Jake and Tammy are eating supper at their kitchen table, with Tate in his high chair between his parents.

CAPTION We discussed a separation.

CAPTION I’m moving out once I find a place I can afford.

Panel 2: Looking down on Tammy and Jake’s bed as they have sex. Jake is on top of Tammy, bedcovers above his waist. Tammy is looking off, grief-stricken, tears dampening the side of her face.

CAPTION But for now, I’m in the guest room.

Panel 3: Jake walking at night through the quiet streets of the town, his Detroit hat evident on his head. Trees line the sidewalks and only about half the streetlights are working, giving a hazy, melancholy look to the scene.

CAPTION Evenings I usually take a walk, just to get away.

Panel 4: Tammy sitting in their living room, head in her hand as she cries uncontrollably.

CAPTION It’s good for both of us.

Page 5

Panel 1: This panel takes up the TOP ½ OF THE PAGE. Jake (don’t forget the Tigers cap) has made his way to the end of a dead end road and is standing at the edge of a large field full of swaying grasses dotted with trees here and there. Maybe on the far end of this field we can see a house where the street picks up once more. In the upper left of the night sky hangs a ¾ full moon and in the air directly above Jake a huge UFO hovers.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 2: Same scene, but a white light directed at Jake is emanating from the UFO, putting him and the rest of the scene in an exaggerated chiaroscuro of light and shadow.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3: Inset to panel 2. A white panel in the lower right hand corner with just the barest outline of Jake’s eyes, nose, mouth, and hairline. It not only represents the intensity of the light but also intimates that he is being transported onto the ship.

NO DIALOGUE


Page 6

Panel 1: A darkened room on the UFO. A single light illuminates Jake – his naked body half covered with a sheet, his wrists and ankles strapped to a surgical table. He is struggling against his bonds. Nothing else of his surroundings is visible.

JAKE Hello? Hey! Who’s there!

Panel 2: Similar to panel 1. A few more lights are on, illuminating the heads of Jake’s captors (3 typical “grey” aliens unless you have a better image) at the edge of the darkness. Jake is still pulling against his bonds

JAKE No. Please!

Panel 3: The aliens move in closer on Jake. One has raised its hand, brandishing a type of drill, which is on and making a horrific sound.

SFX (on drill): VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE I’ve got a boy! Tate! He needs me!

Panel 4: On Jake (alien hands possibly coming in off panel). He is crying now, face contorted, unable to hold in his terror.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) I can’t leave him. Can’t leave Tammy.

Panel 5: From the side and slightly below the surgical table. The aliens are now right over Jake, who has given up struggling, the drill at his temple.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) I need them.

Panel 6: Jake’s POV. The three aliens are in his face as Jake begs for release.

SFX VVVRRRRRRRR

JAKE (small) Please. Let me go.

ALIEN #1  (or something unintelligible)

JAKE (very small) No.


Page 7

Panel 1: Jake is lying in a heap – fully clothed once more and rubbing at his temple – at the end of the dead end road where he just encountered the UFO, which is nowhere to be seen. The gibbous moon has traveled across the sky and is now partially hidden by the horizon on the right of the panel.

JAKE Ooohhhhhh.

Panel 2: Looking down on Jake, his eyes wide with realization of where he now is.

JAKE They brought me back.

JAKE (small) Tammy.

Panel 3: Jake is jogging/running down the street heading for home.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 4: From behind Jake as he opens the door to his place in the housing complex.

JAKE Tammy!

Panel 5: POV from the top of the staircase inside. Jake is bounding up, two steps at a time, pulling hard on the railing to go faster.

JAKE Tammy!

JAKE I’m sorry!


Page 8

Panel 1: Tammy is sitting up in their bed, fear on her face as Jake sits at the end of the bed, unable to hold his emotions in. Jake is holding one of Tammy’s hands in both of his as he speaks.

JAKE I’m sorry. I haven’t been there for you. Not for you or Tate.

JAKE I understand that now.

Panel 2: Tammy and Jake are now hugging tightly.

JAKE I don’t want to be my Dad. I want to take care of you guys.

JAKE I want to be a family.

Panel 3: The couple lean back to look at one another, their hands still resting on one another’s hips.

JAKE If you’ll let me stay.

TAMMY That’s all I ever wanted.

Panel 4: The two hug again, tears streaking the cheeks of both of them. Baby Tate is also making his presence known, having been awoken by his father’s yelling, his screech coming through the open door.

JAKE Thank you. Thank you.

TATE (from door) WAAAHHH

JAKE Tate.

Panel 5: Jake is entering the nursery, Tammy close behind. In the crib stands Tate, his arms reaching for his father.

JAKE Hey, buddy. Don’t cry. Daddy’s here.

JAKE Daddy’s got ya.

Panel 6: SAME AS PAGE 1 PANEL 1. Jake holding Tate up so they are face to face, ecstasy and unconditional love apparent on each of their features.

CAPTION It’s funny how things work out.

THE END

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part V (more feedback)

I did my best to be patient awaiting the feedback for my second crack at the UFO script for Ape, which I titled "Life is Funny." For a person like me, who hates lines, it was difficult and I did something I'd read was a "no-no" and followed up with the editor. Thankfully, he was gracious and explained that things were hectic with work as well as home (he was a new father) but that he would be in touch when he had time to read it and put down his thoughts. Fair enough.

And then, my inbox had this:

Hi Chris,

Sorry, man. I’ve been crazy busy with work and the new addition to the family. Here are a few more thoughts.

I think this is a little better, but I’m still not getting the reason why the character is changing his mind. When the character says: “Like what’s important in life” Why does he reach this conclusion? Why does the UFO bring this out of him?

Is he thinking at that moment that he was going to be whisked away and never see his family again? To his own surprise, did the thought of being separated from his family scare the shit out of him? What about being separated bothered him?

Also, the story starts with the narrator saying how good things were. But then things “took a turn.” That sounds like some bad stuff happened, but it looks like the bad stuff is just Jake not getting to hang out with his friends as much because of his new responsibilities. I’m not really getting a good reason why they are going through a separation. Is there more behind their conflict than “We didn’t see our friends as much, but I still had my annual hunting trip with the guys. Tammy didn’t understand.” Am I missing something?

Jake sounds like a self-centered prick. That’s okay if he is, but then I need a good tangible reason why he decides to stay—like the self-realization that he’s a selfish prick. And that he was only thinking about himself all this time and when he thought about how his disappearance would affect his son and wife, it fucked with his head and at that moment, he wanted nothing else but to hold them in his arms…or some shit like that.

If your intention is that he’s really a good guy, then the story needs a better reason for the separation.

As the story stands, I’m not getting a strong sense of motivation from the main character. I think if you flesh-out and demonstrate his motivation a bit more, your story will be a lot stronger.

There’s my two cents. Feel free to tell me I’m full of shit.

--Troy

Again, some really good feedback. Not that I haven't received some good notes from those I know with whom I share my drafts, but this was a more critical evaluation not colored by friendship and such. And I agreed, all his points made sense to me. It was exciting - for me - if also daunting, to finally getting that editorial interaction I feel I need to "take me over the top" so to speak. Anyway. Back to the drawing board to patch this story together, hoping I would not screw it up somehow. A challenge that I looked forward to, and a challenge that would prove to me whether I was up to this writing thing or not.

More soon.

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR, part III

2009 - The Push for Prose. That was my intention. But I finished out 2008 by sending a script (our previous post) off to Ape Entertainment's open call for UFO stories. Not expecting much, I began to forge ahead on a new project I thought was timely, if only just so (more on that another time). But soon into the new year, I got a couple of emails that changed things a bit for me.

First, on January 6, this arrived from Joe Pruett (yeah, the guy that puts together Negative Burn and other great books like 13 Steps, The Art of Brian Bolland, P. Craig Russell, and others, and the latest iteration of James A. Owen's Starchild):

Hey, Chris. I'm putting together the next Negative Burn trade right now and would like to look this story over. I can't remember if I have or not. Can you send me a low res PDF to look at?

Joe

This was in response to a follow-up email I had sent six months prior. I am still waiting to hear if anything will come of this, but if nothing else, at least the synopsis I sent to Mr. Pruett piqued his interest, and the thought of being considered for Negative Burn - of which I am a huge fan - is exciting.

Then, the following morning, I received this in my inbox from Troy Dye, submissions editor at Ape Entertainment:

Hey Christopher,

I’ve read your story. I really like the dialogue and tone of the story. I am a little unsure as to why seeing a UFO makes the character do a 180. He wasn’t even sure what he saw or if he saw anything at all. And it didn’t seem like the UFO did anything to him. So I’m not sure I’m sold on the character’s change of heart. I think if you tweak that one part of the story a little bit by having something happen to the character to justify his change of heart, I think you’ll have a nice little story here that we would be interested in.

--Troy

And just like that, I was back to work on the comic script, which was great. This was the first time I had received any type of editorial feedback (in a professional sense) and it made sense to me. I try to be subtle when I am writing, and I worry that - as in this case - I sometimes stray into the obtuse.

Anyway. I got to work and sent off a rewrite the following evening.

More on that next time.